Underneath It All Read online

  This was something he and Todd would have to work through in their own time, just as Nicole had to work through her issues with her parents. If he’d learned anything, it was that resolution couldn’t be forced or talked away with a simple quip or phrase. It had to be peeled away over time, layer by fragile layer.

  As much as he wanted to stay a part of Nicole’s life, she apparently needed to do this on her own, so he had no choice but to give her space.

  “You’re doing the right thing,” Bryce said. “Give it some time, and if this thing is real between you two, it’ll work out in the end.”

  NICOLE STOOD in front of aisles of computer hardware trying to remember the recommendations Nate had given her. She needed an upgraded laptop, and though she remembered the brand Nate had recommended, she now realized it might have been a good idea to write down the specifics. Standing here, with so many brands and options in front of her, everything looked the same, and she wondered if maybe she should hold off buying one until she went back home. Her father’s birthday was a couple of weeks off, and she’d decided that would be a good time to make a trip to California for an extended weekend. After the initial publicity surrounding her adoption had died down, things had begun to calm, Jenna’s hotline doing wonders in keeping the public at bay.

  For the first time since she’d moved here, she felt as if she was making progress, that things were moving on the right course, and it was a welcome respite from the inner turbulence she’d been living with for over a year. She’d finally begun to feel relaxed. In fact, she could honestly say she almost felt happy.

  Almost.

  Still hanging over her head was the way she’d left things with Devon, him finding the file on her desk then storming out. She hadn’t wanted to leave things on that note, had been tempted to call and iron it out, but feared the message it might send. Her feelings for him still raw, she didn’t want to unintentionally pull him near while at the same time push him away. It wasn’t fair to him, and though she ached to make things right, the mixed message a call might give wasn’t worth the risk.

  She needed to follow this new path and see where it took her, and only then could she consider opening her life to a lover. Her head said she had no other choice.

  If only her heart would agree.

  “Can I help you find something?”

  She looked up to see the tall, heavy-set salesman who had been helping another couple a moment ago.

  “Uh, yes, thank you.” Blinking, she looked over the monstrous wall of electronics and said, “I’m looking to upgrade my laptop.” Pointing to the brand her brother recommended, she added, “I’m considering these, but could use a recommendation on which one you think is best.”

  “The faster the better,” came a smooth, familiar voice from behind her. She didn’t need to turn and see who it was. The silky tingle down her spine told her it was Devon.

  Spinning around, the sight of him reminded her of how this had all started. He looked good. Really good. A smoky gray T-shirt played up the blue in his eyes and the soft, worn jeans gave him that casual feel she loved so much. His quirked, half smile settled somewhere deep in her gut, stirring up feelings she hadn’t yet buried, and her body responded with a mix of thrill and dread.

  Glancing back at the salesman, she asked, “Can I catch up with you later?”

  The man looked alternately at her and Devon then raised a hand and said, “Not a problem. Let me know when you’re ready,” before leaving the two alone.

  “So, uh…how are you?” she asked, but she didn’t need an answer. She could tell by looking at him life was going well. He looked calm and relaxed, like he hadn’t a care in the world, and she couldn’t help but feel their break-up had something to do with that.

  “I’m doing good.” Motioning behind him, he added, “I’m setting up a bigger home office, so I’m on a shopping spree.” Grinning, he added, “Computers and electronics—my favorite kind of shopping.”

  She giggled, but the clench on her throat combined with her nerves to make the laugh sound like something from a gawky school girl. She attempted to smooth it out by clearing her throat.

  “A new home office?” she muttered.

  His smile faded and he casually shrugged. “I’m officially self-employed.”

  Her jaw dropped. “You quit the firm?”

  He nodded.

  “Good for you! I mean…is it?”

  He chuckled in that smooth, easy way that had caught her attention that night at the auction. The sweet genuine laugh had brought flutters to her stomach at the time, and still did today.

  Apparently, her feelings for him were rawer than she’d expected.

  “It is good,” he said. “I’m going into business for myself, giving real estate a try. I’m having to go back to school to get my broker’s license, but I’m looking forward to it. It feels right.”

  “Will you be selling homes?”

  “Build them, preferably.” Shoving a hand in his pocket, he smiled, but this time it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’ve been thinking about our conversation…about your lottery winnings and doing something for the working class who could use a little help. I’m considering venturing into urban renewal, revitalizing old neighborhoods, developing affordable housing, things like that.”

  “I love that idea. You know, we still don’t know what’s happening with this lawsuit, but if things work out, maybe we could talk about funding some projects.”

  His smile deepened. “I’d like that.”

  For a moment, they stood, an uncomfortable silence settling between them, speaking to the many things that needed to be said but neither of them dared. Nicole felt the urge to explain herself once more, but knew she’d already done so probably more times than he cared to hear it. Yet she sensed Devon was holding his tongue, a flood of sentiments brimming under the surface ready to burst forth with the slightest prompting.

  But she didn’t prompt.

  His life was facing the same turnabout as hers, both of them opening doors to an uncertain future. This simple fact that they’d made such progress in the short week they’d been apart confirmed this separation had been the smart move, and no matter how badly she ached to get back in his arms, she had to accept they’d acted wisely.

  “I’d heard that your adoption made the papers.” Lowering his voice, he added, “I’m sorry. How are you dealing with it?”

  She forced a smile. “Actually, it ended up helping. I’m actively pursuing finding my birth parents with the help of Jenna Hamilton. She’s the lawyer we hired to handle the suit, and she’s doing a great job on both ends. We’re talking about how to break through some of the confidentiality that surrounds sealed adoptions.”

  He nodded, his face displaying that same sense of reluctance he had every time she suggested seeking out her birth family.

  “You think it’s a mistake, don’t you?” she asked.

  He jerked and shook his head. “No, not at all. I think any move will be a move in the right direction.”

  “But seeking out my birth parents wouldn’t have been your choice.”

  He let out a breath and dropped his shoulders. “Nicole, this isn’t my choice. It’s yours. And if you feel finding your birth family is the way to uncover your answers, then I think that’s great.”

  Crossing her arms over her chest, she felt put off. She knew what he was saying between the lines, that he feared finding her birth family would create more problems than it solved, but he didn’t understand.

  “Devon, I can only resolve things by seeking them out. Leaving it all alone is just leaving it unresolved.”

  “If you’ve explored all your options and this is what you’ve chosen, I think you’re doing the right thing.”

  She frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Shaking his head, he huffed. “It means what I said. If you feel this is the way to get answers, I think that’s wonderful. Progress is what counts, not the path you choose to get there.”
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br />   Though his words sounded supportive, she couldn’t shake the feeling that in some way, he was insinuating that finding her parents was an ignorant move.

  And it solidified for her she’d made the wise move in breaking it off. She’d only recently found peace with her decision, and in one chance encounter with Devon, he’d managed to snatch it all away. This was precisely the internal debate she didn’t need, and though it crushed her to admit it, she now saw they had no business being together at this point in their lives.

  “I have made progress,” she proclaimed. “And I intend to keep moving forward with it.”

  He nodded his consent and smiled. “That’s great.”

  “It is,” she confirmed, and not wanting to discuss it further, she added, “I should get back to my shopping. I’m only here on my lunch break and don’t have much time.”

  His smile faded. “Okay, then.”

  Standing there for a brief moment, he opened his mouth as if to say something more, then simply added, “Be happy, Nicole. Okay?”

  Jutting her chin, she replied, “I am.”

  But as she watched him disappear through the store, she felt anything but.

  “WHY CAN’T I MAKE a decision and feel good about it?”

  Nicole hadn’t expected the statement to come out in such a whine. It was just that she’d grown officially sick and tired of feeling confused and frustrated. It seemed every moment she made some sort of progress with her life, someone was there yanking it back, the latest being Devon and their chance meeting at the electronics warehouse.

  After spending the day unable to focus on work, she’d grabbed Eve for an after-hours drink at Latitude 33, the local watering hole the crew often sought out after a particularly stressful week. And for Nicole, if this week didn’t rank, nothing did.

  Since running into Devon, she couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in her gut that she’d gone off halfcocked, jumped all over the poor man when he was only trying to be nice. And the little voice in her head kept asking her why.

  Why had she come off so defensive? Why had it taken barely an utterance from Devon to unravel everything she thought she’d accomplished?

  “Maybe it’s because you haven’t made the right decision,” Eve said, the comment echoing that voice Nicole had been trying to ignore.

  Taking a sip of her wine, she fell back in her seat. “I thought I knew what I was doing, but after talking to Devon it doesn’t work anymore. And the stupid thing is he didn’t even try to tell me what to do.”

  More than once, she’d run the conversation over in her head, and every time, she came to the same conclusion. He was the one person in her life she couldn’t avoid being honest with. She could con everyone else into believing she knew what she was doing, but Devon could see through her, staring back at her like a mirror that showed only the truth. He didn’t even have to express himself with words. She’d felt it simply by stating her intentions to him, that unsettled feeling that the line she was feeding him didn’t hold water.

  And no matter how badly she tried to shake it off, she couldn’t. When she really looked into that mirror of truth, she saw he’d been on the mark about everything. She was angry with her parents. And a part of her had moved here to Atlanta to punish them. Sure, she’d needed to get away and clear her head, but she hadn’t needed to settle here and she certainly hadn’t needed to pack up her whole life and start over again.

  That had been her childish side reacting, and of all the people who had offered their opinions and advice, Devon had been the only one to see through it all and tell it to her straight. And though it hurt to admit it, damn, if he hadn’t been right.

  A small crowd at the bar cheered, and the two women glanced over to see them staring at a broadcast of the day’s Braves game.

  The sight left her melancholy.

  “Are you having second thoughts about finding your birth parents?”

  “I’m having second thoughts about everything.” Staring closely at Eve, she added, “Before I knew I was adopted, I was happy. I felt blessed. I have a great family, and here I am looking for something else. And for what? Because I think it will take the hurt away?” She took a large gulp of her wine then set the glass down. “What am I hoping to gain? Do I care why my birth parents gave me up? Not really. Do I want to see what they look like, find out if I have any other siblings?” She shook her head. “You know, I definitely understand how other people would have those questions, but in all the shock and turmoil, I’ve never once cared about any of that. Not in any real sense.”

  “Then why are you looking?”

  Nicole shook her head. “Because I thought I should. And I think a side of me thought meeting my birth parents would give me someone else to be angry with besides my parents.” Unwanted tears welling in her eyes, she confessed, “I’m so angry with them, but I don’t want to be. I want to let all this go. I love my family. And they love me, that’s all that matters. I guess I thought if I had strangers to focus my anger on, the rest of my life would come back to me.”

  “That seems logical, but I think you’d find out in the long run it doesn’t work like that.”

  “No, it doesn’t. And Devon knew it. How could someone walk in and flat-out tell it like it is when dozens of people before him—including paid therapists—couldn’t?”

  “I don’t know,” Eve said, and then she smiled. “Maybe he’s special.”

  “He is special. And in more ways than just knowing me and my troubles.”

  “So have you called to tell him that?”

  Nicole opened her mouth to answer but was interrupted by her cell phone. She pulled it from her purse, and when the caller ID showed it was Jenna Hamilton, she quickly flipped it open. “Hello?”

  “Nicole, it’s Jenna. I have good news.” The tone in Jenna’s voice caused her pulse to quicken. “One of the women who called our office about your adoption appears to have answered all the questions correctly.”

  “Really?”

  “It’s no guarantee she’s your birth mother, but I think there’s enough promise in what she’s said that you might want to talk to her.”

  Nicole’s heart skipped a beat. This was supposedly what she’d come to Atlanta for, but now that the reality was within her grasp she didn’t know anymore. What she’d wanted was to find her family—ignoring the fact that she already had one—and one who loved her and accepted her. And never gave her a moment’s doubt about who she was or to whom she belonged.

  She’d wanted to feel normal again, to stop doubting who she was and to find her ability to trust again. And none of those things were going to happen by meeting some woman who gave birth to her and didn’t want her to know her identity.

  Sitting there with Eve, it all suddenly became clear. There was a reason she’d been here nearly a year without making any real progress toward finding her family. She didn’t want another family. Yes, she was angry with her parents, had wished they’d told her from the start, but when she really dug down deep, she knew Devon had spoken the truth. Finding out about her adoption didn’t change who she was. She’d only felt it should have, and her hurt and anger prevented her from seeing that.

  Truth was she liked who she was. She liked her parents, her family, her brother and her life. They’d all raised her to be a Reavis, and blood or no blood, that’s exactly who she was.

  And in that moment, she felt the freedom of a life that finally made sense, and without the slightest reluctance, she responded to Jenna and said, “No, thanks.”

  “No?”

  “No. My adoption records are sealed, and that’s the way I want them to stay. My parents are Don and Betty Reavis. Whoever gave birth to me is just that and I’d like to keep it that way.”

  “Nicole, you can think this over. You don’t have to decide immediately.”

  She looked to Eve, who responded with a wide encouraging grin, and she felt as though months of angst and turmoil had fallen from her shoulders. “I don’t need to reconsider. Th
e tabloids were wrong. I didn’t come to Atlanta to find my birth parents. I’ve already got a family back in California, and it’s all the family I need.”

  “You’re sure you won’t change your mind.”

  “Tell her and any others, thanks but no thanks.”

  Flipping the phone closed, she turned to Eve and asked, “What was that you said about feeling good about a decision?”

  “Uh, something about feeling good when you’ve made the right one.”

  Nicole nodded. “This was the right decision.”

  14

  Please join me for a

  private celebration

  Place: Santiago Resort and Spa

  Time: Saturday, five p.m. sharp!

  Room 182

  P.S. Bring Gabe

  DEVON TUCKED THE RED scented card in his pocket as he made his way down the corridor toward the hotel room, curious to see what his mystery host had in store for him. Not that the identity of the sender was much of a mystery. Though the card hadn’t been signed and had been hand-delivered by his nine-year-old neighbor who’d been given five dollars to keep quiet about where he got it, the attached get-out-of-jail-free card stapled under the post script gave it away.

  He only wondered what Nicole had in mind, and why she’d drawn him to the resort that would have been their first date had she won the bidding at the Children’s Charity auction.

  After seeing her last week, he didn’t think he’d ever hear from her again. For the first time since trouble began brewing between them, he truly felt they’d said their goodbyes. She’d looked good, like she was finally starting to work through her issues. And it seemed as if her new life wouldn’t be including him.

  He’d told himself to move on, to leave the next move to her, and after nearly a week, he’d all but conceded there wouldn’t be a next move. Until he stepped out of the house to find his neighbor, Trenton, standing on the porch with the red card in his hand.